Patience

When I was a freshman in college, my brother had a series of seizures and ended up in the hospital. I flew home, and I was in such a hurry to get off the plane so I could go see him. I am sure all of my fidgeting and loud sighing was quite annoying to my fellow passengers. 

At one point, the woman in front of me turned around and said pedantically, “Patience is a virtue, my dear.”  

I believe my response included narrowed eyes and something along the lines of, “Yes, but it isn’t one of mine.”

And unfortunately, 18 years later, I think that’s probably still true, particularly when it comes to patience with myself.   

Sometimes, with the deepest things that matter most, that I am so afraid to do wrong, I find myself paralyzed. Taking myself so seriously that I can’t do anything. The impatience with myself just feeds the cycle of non-action. Just me getting in my own way.

I have been thinking a lot about how to navigate these unhelpful spaces.

Rabbi Josh and I talked last week about the meaning of the word “patience.” He explained that it’s not about the ability to wait, but rather the mindset during the waiting time. The tolerance of discomfort.

Yeah, I can wait. Waiting is just an action. But I have noticed that my mindset during the act of waiting can influence the outcome, particularly when it comes to trying to be patient with myself.

Example: Voice lessons are so hard for me. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done. The barrier, again, being me getting in my own way – the nerves…. the anxiety…. Feelings that are not particularly familiar to me that I just want to go away! And yesterday! (This mental tape says, “OMG! What is wrong with me that I can’t just relax and sing freely??!!”)

I was trying to explain this to my voice teacher, Gayanne, last week. That when something is hard, I either decide it doesn’t matter and walk away, or I decide I need to conquer it and put all my energy towards that goal and get it done. The latter approach has served me well for things requiring brain power. Seems reasonable that I could apply that to singing, right?

Gayanne aptly pointed out that maybe my voice doesn’t want to be conquered. That I need to give it space to emerge. That the more I push it and get frustrated with its slowness, the less it is going to want to come out.

Because voice thrives with space and time. Patience, not push.

It will come out when it is ready, just as the people will get off the plane when they can. Being impatient just makes the experience worse, and mostly just for me and those unlucky enough to be in proximity.

Gayanne also reminded me that I’ve only had five voice lessons and that all of this is part of the process. And that I need to let myself sit in the nervous feelings. I need to learn to tolerate the discomfort. Patiently. Because “push” isn’t helpful in these situations, as much as it has worked well for me in others.

My pep talk to myself changed when I focused on patience and gentleness rather than, “Get it done, girlfriend!” We’ll see how that goes for me. Thus far, it feels… safer. 

Yet… despite this realization, I am still wondering: Can I push myself to be more patient or is that just doing patience all wrong?!

Your thoughts on cultivating patience appreciated below.