Sometimes I have a tendency
to get so attached to people or things outside myself that I forget to pay
attention to what’s inside me. And as much as it feels hard to let go of those
things, it is even harder to hold on to Me – especially when my hands and
heart are otherwise occupied.
I have worked really hard in
this last year to let go of things that look nice and shiny on the outside but
ultimately do not serve me well. It is a lot of work to release finger muscles
nearing rigor mortis (old habits that die hard) or knuckles tightened in a
death grip (fear).
Next weekend’s choir concert
is really important for me. A bit of an anniversary, in fact. When I attended
the concert last year I was not in a great place in my life… feeling stuck in a
job that I let make me miserable and color the rest of my life 50 shades of
black.
Hearing the choir sing,
exactly a year ago today, was part of the turning point of learning to let go. Here’s what I wrote the day
after the concert.
March 23,
2014
Most people don’t know that I get lost in music
Swimmy-head-can’t-think-about-anything-else-but-deliciously-present
lost
Only a few people know about my musical obsessions
Songs I will play on repeat for days on end
Wanting to consume them and make them part of me
Because I know they were written just for me
One of “my” songs can take me somewhere else entirely
Or ground me so deeply in myself that I sometimes can’t move
The Bet Haverim choir has that effect on me too
Music that tugs at my Jewish roots
Reminds me of my
beautiful traditions, of who I am
Listening to the choir last night was like hearing my
own voice again
After so many months of feeling lost and silenced
Every time I hear the choir, I want so deeply to be a
part of it
To become more confident in my own voice in music
But I usually tell that voice to be quiet
Because if I take that chance
It could come out all wrong
So it is probably best left alone inside
Quiet
But last night I started to feel
a little piece of me cracking away a bit
Daring me to let go of the structure holding
me back from fully being Me
And I stopped and wondered what it could possibly
feel like to be free of the constraints I put on myself
And immerse myself in what I deeply love
And immerse myself in what I deeply love
Music
So many changes for me in
this last year that are so much more important than leaving an awful work
situation – most notably, starting voice lessons and joining the choir – two
things that seemed impossibly scary and out of my comfort zone a year ago today.
And now, I can’t imagine my life without either of them, especially choir.
I spent many years watching
the choir with awe.
Watching Joy, so true to her
name, light up the sopranos with her bright smile.
Hearing Gayanne’s soulful voice fill the room with life and love.
Seeing Will create and
perform songs so beautiful they move me to tears.
(Every. Single. Time.)
These people who were once
just familiar faces are now treasured new friends.
Carrie, whom Elena has
adopted as her special aunt down the street.
McKenzie, whom Elena calls,
“The lady with the happy eyes and beautiful hair.”
Brad, whom we fondly refer
to as “Mustachio” after Purim.
Nefesh and Irene, who give
amazing hugs.
Shana, my alto rock and old
friend who can always make me giggle.
And so many others I can’t
imagine not seeing each week.
All of these people, I may
never have been able to hold in my heart, had I not been able to let go of some
other things that seemed so important for so long.
----
On a recent beach trip,
collecting shells along the shore, I thought about how the ocean inspires me to
become less attached to things. The waves come and go,
bringing with them new treasures and taking away others. I thought about how if I
hold on to everything I just found, I have no room for what is yet to come. That if my focus is on making
sure I keep what I have, I can't notice anything new, let alone decide if
I want to make a trade.
It’s hard to change and grow
without letting go of something.
And all of that process
revolves around fear. Not having enough faith that what could be next will be
the right thing for me in that moment. It is so much easier to be attached to
what is known, even when I know I no longer need or want it.
My friend once told me,
“May
this Passover be the year you bring yourself out of your own personal Egypt.”
As I work on leaving behind
fear in favor of faith, I am wondering…
What are you letting go of this year?
